My feelings are not the yardstick. God's promises, His goodness and His love are not dependent on my feelings, my amount of faith, my circumstances or my surroundings. His power is not limited by my understanding or other's indifference or cruelty. He is good even when life is not good. This is the Truth I’m Standing On (good song, by the way). It's kind of like when your kid is mad at you for “ruining my life” multiple times a day. You still love your kid even though she doesn't feel like you do.
Be anxious for nothing. I spent the year worrying. I worried about what I didn't know, what I did know, what I was afraid of and what I wasn't afraid of. I worried about what people thought, what people would or wouldn't say. If it crossed my mind, I worried about it. So God says “Be anxious for nothing.” It's not a suggestion or a word of encouragement. It's a command. This has been hammered into my brain and my heart over the last few months (from many sources). I had a recent conversation about this verse with my pastor. He's smarter than me and knows the Greek origins behind the phrase “don't be anxious.” It's not the initial emotional or physical panic attack that is disobedience. The command means don’t dwell on or stay in the worry or anxiety. We need to dwell on God – His love, His promises, His power to carry us through and provide for our needs, His forgiveness. That changes our worries into gratefulness. That's why the verse goes on to say, “but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God.” I have to admit that during the darkest hours, it's really hard to see through the cloud of despair. God has always provided, why is it so hard for this lesson to stick?
Sharing in Christ’s suffering. I find it a little difficult to understand this concept, but Jesus said we would suffer. I don't feel like it's an honor to share in suffering but it brings comfort to know that I'm not alone. And really, my suffering is a drop in the bucket compared to what Christ endured for me so that I could live. “In this life you will have tribulation.” Sorrow, loss, disappointment and intense suffering are part of this life on earth. To know Christ is the only thing that gives true hope. There is nothing and no one else that can offer an inner peace, hope and underlying joy that allows us to get through the suffering.
Balance and Boundaries. Be transparent, but also maybe filter how much to share with whom. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but sometimes this opens me up for criticism and unsolicited and unwanted advice. I learned that I should share vague overviews with larger groups (I'm dealing with a difficult illness), but only allow a select few to know the details. While some can see the effects of the physical ailment, most cannot see or begin to understand the scope of the pain inside. Even when I thought I was being meticulously selective, I would sometimes misjudge the safety of certain people and end up hearing hurtful and unhelpful words. Cling to truth and try not to let hurtful words or faulty beliefs discourage you. The world is full of opinionated people who lack understanding and empathy (I often fall into this category myself). Sometimes being a little vague is helpful to keep those opinions from causing more pain.
Supportive Friends and Family. Cling to those who show themselves to be a friend. Even if you're not close to them, there is a reason they are in your life. God is so gracious to me. During the worst of it, God gave me loving people. It was my sister, who was going through the same illness as me. She gave me perspective, hope. We cried together. We laughed together – we had to laugh to survive. She knew how I felt. She was living it too.
It was my amazing and patient husband who stepped in to pick up the slack I was leaving behind. He did (and continues to do) all the shopping, cooking, driving kids around, managing the house, and directing the kids to help out where they could. He even took time to take me to doctor visits. Worked harder and took on more than he should have to. He never complained, but I knew he was overwhelmed and hurting too.
It was also a couple of coworkers who I could confide in. They knew the details of my job and how it was affecting my health. They listened, gave me encouragement when needed. I knew they genuinely cared and wanted me to improve.
It was a handful of unexpected friends. It's amazing how friends stepped out of the woodwork. Some were old faithful and some brand new. Each gave me encouragement or practical advice without judgement. Some just listened and prayed.
Laughter. There's no deep theology behind this one. I just found it important to look for humor. Laugh at myself. Laugh with others. Laugh at your spouse’s dumb jokes and your kids’ airhead moments. They are healing moments.
Kindness. Another of my sisters reminded me recently that we never know what someone is going through so we must be kind. A simple act of kindness can make a huge difference to someone. It's true. I’ve been on the receiving end of kindness from strangers. A kind word and a smile can change someone’s day. For me, it was a day I went to Trader Joe's. I didn't want to be there. I put on my fake happy face and got what I needed. I expected the girl at the checkout to be like your basic gas station attendant – cold and impersonal. She was as warm and friendly as can be. She asked me a question. She laughed at my response and joked back. In the 90 seconds of interaction, she changed my mood and my day. Even in suffering, I'm learning to be kinder…more kind…more kinder. Also, don't ask my kids to verify that statement.
Prayer. There are days in life when we don't even know what to pray about, what to ask for, what to say. This year was not full of eloquent speeches to God. I felt like my prayer life was on a repeat loop. I started to get cynical. Yep, He answers prayer, but I don't like the answer. I don't like “no” or “wait.” I told Him how I was angry and hurting. I said I didn't want to learn whatever lesson He was trying to teach me. I told Him I couldn't do it any more. Why do I keep asking? God wants us to be real with Him and it got real. Thankfully, He isn't like us. He doesn't throw up is hands and say “fine, be that way!” when we don't use a filter. He still held me up somehow. I stayed in communication even if I was mad at Him at times. I needed God to talk to me too, so I immersed myself with sermons and I'd fall asleep listening to my Bible app. He's gotten me through this far and I know He'll be there through the rest.
