Wednesday, June 8, 2011

disgusting dozen

I’m not going to judge anyone on what you do with your children’s hygiene in public because, let’s face it; there are desperate times we face occasionally.  With my first child, I was the idealist mother who was going to have the perfect child who never cried or pooped in public.  I decided to parade my perfect 6 week old in her perfect outfit in the perfect baby wrap that I had made.  It was summer and time to find a new pair of shoes, so I went to Marshall Field’s with my just fed, just changed baby and my flip flops.  I picked out 4 pairs of summer sandals and I was excited to try them on.  The associate brought out my size and just as I was about to take off my shoes to try the first pair on, I suddenly felt warm all over - all the way down to my toes.  I looked down.  And there it was - dripping from my perfect baby through her diaper, through her pants, through the wrap, on to my feet.  I was mortified.  I had no time to rush to the restroom across the store.  So there I was, in the middle of the expensive shoe section at my then favorite store covered in baby poop, changing her diaper and her clothes.  Unfortunately, I didn’t bring a change of clothes for me, so that was the end of my shoe shopping for the day.  I had suddenly and without warning become “that” mom. 

That said, there is no excuse for changing your baby's diaper in the middle of the dining room table during family gatherings...yes, a friend of mine told me this happened in her presence.
As an adult, you have a choice as to what you do in public and based on my own personal experiences and stories from friends, here’s a short list of some things that have been witnessed that are entirely inappropriate.  Please, for the love of everything that is good and right, do not do the following:
1.  Clip your fingernails during church, in the doctors' office waiting room or any other public place.  Also, don't leave nail clippings in your work desk drawer.  You never know when you’ll be moved and someone else will use your desk.
2.  Dig your undies out of your butt in public.  As much as they're bothering you, it bothers others more to see you digging around.
3.  Let your “whale tale” peek out above your pants.  Besides the obvious inappropriateness of it, it kind of makes most of us throw up a little.
4.  Scratch your butt while people are talking to you.
5.  Tweeze your chin hairs in the Wal-Mart parking lot (even if it IS Wal-Mart).  In fact, try to refrain tweezing anything in your car, but especially your chin hairs, even though natural lighting is fantastic.  Just don't do it.
6.  Put your purse on the public restroom floor and then on your kitchen countertop.  Even if you don't put your purse on the public restroom floor, you do put it on every other public surface and on the floor of restaurants.  Please be aware that it picks up every germ on those surfaces and it's not really very sanitary to set it on your countertop that you prepare your dinner on. (and don't put it on your friends' counters either)
7.  Floss your teeth during a work meeting.  Yes, those little nasty food particles and bits of plaque that pop out of your teeth do fly a significant distance.  Try to do it in the bathroom.
8.  Drop sterile needles on the floor and then draw blood from my children with the same needle.  (No, I have still not forgiven you Southlake Pediatrics)
9.  Pop your zits in public.  I don’t care how discrete you think you are, it’s still gross.
10.  Pick your nose anywhere except the bathroom.  I'm amazed at how many people will just dig and dig as if they're the only people in the world, and you just want to tap them on the shoulder (while wearing rubber gloves) and tell them to please refrain.  And please don't dispose of your gold by dropping it, eating it or wiping it on the nearest surface. (I have to go throw up now just from typing that last sentence)
11.  Pick dead skin off your feet during family gatherings.
12.  Pick ear wax out of your ears in this Australian politician (watch the blond guy in the background):

And with that, I rest my case.

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